The struggle is real.
No other statement has rang so true. Trying to navigate in this world, I do my best to be honest, subsist daily with a bit of dignity and grace, and live with integrity, meaning I do what I say I’m going to do. I believe the best way to be happy is to always be helpful, positive, non-judgmental, but most of all remember my faith. Faith in the power of the universe, whatever it is that swirls and surrounds us, that is us. The connection that allows me to feel safe, to know everything happens for a reason and the outcome of life’s events all depends on me and my view. Each day when I take the time to recognize that strength I feel whole. It’s amazing how easy it is to lose your way, the fantastic thing is… Snap! it only takes one second to reconnect with something as simple as thanking the universe for the shirt on my back or praying for another person who angers me (example my daughter’s father) or praying for the ones I love. It connects me with that little voice inside my head directing me to do the right thing.
“If you can’t find the truth right where you are, where else do you think you will find it?” Eihei Dogen
In the life of an addict, being addicted to a mind altering substance puts me in a place which creates a distance between myself and that voice. The worst part about the struggle in my life today is, I know I don’t want it, I’m smart enough to recognize it, with the chemical imbalance in my brain and the uncontrollable biological changes physically and mentally my body tells me I need it. Which is absolutely absurd! I have managed to quit opiates cold turkey without Suboxone, without Methadone yet doctors would urge I go on one or the other.
(Soon to come an article about my experience with the opiate replacement programs)
Steering through the environment addiction forces me to endure, with a little bit of grace is operose. It’s toilsome because every one is constantly lying, stealing, manipulating, only acting in their own self interest. No wonder addicts have such an awful stigma. But at the end of the day when my head hits the pillow how I feel about myself and how I’ve conducted myself throughout the day is all that matters. Its exhausting and arduous clenching onto dignity in addiction. When I have no money, its either been stolen from me or squandered on keeping me from getting sick, my values and morals begin to slip. Stealing from stores gives me a chance to eat, and my stomach twists and churns as I begin to lose myself. Any time I am helpful it is taken for granted, unnoticed, or thought to be something else suspicious because no one else does anything remotely similar without ulterior motives. So retrospectively trying to be helpful is more damaging then good yet I try so I may feel good about myself… This world is so different then the life of a normy.
Being clean and sober, the best part, is getting away from the consistent barrage of negativity, it seeps in filling every crack soaking and drowning your soul.
I chose to live in the light. Yoga is one of my absolute favorite ways of doing so. I meditate, open my chakras, chant powerful affirmations, I express my gratitude for the omnipotent healing ability the light from within musters.
Deep breath in… hold… release.
I am honest (to a fault) in this world, so people living in addiction hate it. Very few people become and stay my friend. Standing alone I look into my reflection that is dripping with my honesty, only to see I’m dishonest to those not in this turmoil. All the people living in the real world, or living that recovery life. #recoverylife I lie because of shame, and guilt. A major reason why I lie to those in recovery is because I truly, deeply want and believe what I say. I want to get clean again, everything I’m striving for requires it. As a result of this my integrity plays hide and seek, especially when the dope is close to running out. It becomes priority, all of these delightful consequences doing dope causes! Lowering my self esteem, plummeting my emotions into a depression, uncovering my PTSD. Or how my mother puts it manic behavior. All of this I leave behind when I put down the dope and allow my connection with the power of the universe to burn bright within.
Never Give Up. Fight For The Life You Want!
No one is harder on me than me. Even though all this external garbage is beating me down, I refuse to go down. Yes I’ve slipped up, and some time has passed. But there is a reason, there is a reason for everything. If you change your perspective and look for the positive side, who or what gains from the destruction? I can show people struggling after a relapse that it is possible to get out, here is how I did it.
(Soon to come article about the grueling detox, cold turkey, from hundreds of dollars a day of fentanyl/crack/crystal meth use to nothing not even sleep aids. IT IS POSSIBLE)
I’ve got this site up and running, I cant stop now! This is my perfect way of holding myself accountable, and being helpful to others! And since I have given recovery a real try I can’t take my life for granted, I WILL succeed.
No way do I want to go back to who I was this time 2 years ago. As embarrassing as these videos are, I think it is so important to show exactly how drugs change a person without their knowledge. The worst part strident and true, trying to come to terms with the fact that this was me. But let’s also not forget who I am today.
(Honestly adding this link was hard, these videos are tough for me to watch.)