Gifts of Recovery

I didn’t get much sleep last night and I was having a hard time getting out of a funk this morning. Up at 5:30, 45-minute drive in traffic to work, where I arrive 2 hours early to avoid heavier traffic. Usually, I go to the gym, work out, then get to work and do yoga. I work at a yoga studio so I’m fortunate to be able to use the studio. But this morning I wasn’t feeling it, I felt off and exhausted.

Thinking about my addiction struggles and worrying about all my new found responsibilities, I was feeling stressed out and overwhelmed. I’m just over 2 months clean from a debilitating addiction to fentanyl, crack and crystal meth. I am trying to put my life back together. I haven’t worked in almost 4 years, I recently got a new job, I signed a lease for a new apartment and I am starting to tackle that enormous list of neglected affairs. I can’t help but live in fear, I am a master at burning everything to the ground, especially when things are going well in my life.

I decided to put my headphones in and take a morning stroll along the Seawalk in West Vancouver. I listen to Slacker Radio with entirely random playlists.

Over a year ago I went through this magical recovery program, Charlford House for women. It was there in music therapy I learned the power and influence of music. It bypasses our brain and inspires our heart. A song has the ability to mean something different to everyone, it all depends on their perspective. Also at Charlford I built a strong connection with, what I believe to be, my higher power. My best friend James Enright who passed away, he communicates with me through little signs, “coincidences”, prayer, and meditation. These moments in my life, as long as I open my eyes to see them, allow me to feel his presence and I know I’m not alone. He’s right here with me, he’s Got My Six. (Five Finger Death Punch reference.)

As I start my walk, I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace, is the first song to play. I listen to the lyrics and think about how much I hate my addiction, how much my addiction hates me. My addiction despises my potential, loathes my assets, and belittles my accomplishments. Deep down I hate that I love drugs, but, hey! I’m an addict. This song gives me a boost, my mindset started to shift knowing I’m headed in a different direction today.

The next song to play was Never Going Back by Sick Puppies.

There’s no going back,
When life’s a loaded gun, you pull the trigger, trigger
There’s no going back
The past is in the past
Thank God it doesn’t last forever
There’s no going back
Fuck that going back
There’s no going back
Fuck that going back

As I’m listening to this song, I start to bounce in my step, and I was overcome with this feeling that James was letting me know I’m right where I’m supposed to be. I felt safe. Then I thought, okay seriously, if the next song is Five Finger Death Punch this is James. Now, remember how I mentioned Slacker Radio is COMPLETELY random. Not only was the next song Five Finger Death Punch but it was my favorite song, Far From Home. I started to tear up, I was overcome with happiness and gratitude for my life today. This song means so much to me. I believe, in my addiction, there were too many times to count… I shouldn’t be here. And I believe it was James in heaven keeping me alive, he always believed in me, he makes me feel like I’m worth it.

I needed to express my gratitude and share this beautiful experience. There is no high, no drug that induces the euphoric contentment I felt this morning walking alongside the ocean, with the sun shining on my back and confirmation James has Got My Six.

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